Your love is capricious

On a whim and on fire. There is no rhyme or reason. It's explosive and in full force but it can come and go. A hazard so powerful and so captivating but can burn you if not handled with care. I will stare deep into this fire for as long as I can but will retreat just before my delicate frame loses it's ability to fight back.

Forward

I don't want to forget the moments that happened under the umbrella of love. They were precious in their own way and I appreciated them at the time. Those moments have changed now and I am left with random attacks of thought, overwhelming my mind. They are brief but they are haunting.

I want these new moments, these resplendent seconds in time to enshroud me.

Starting to start over

I think that I have met my match...

Live again

There are no absolutes and no forevers. These are the thoughts and ideals of romantics before us and the Hollywood director in front of us. We can actualize these things for a mere moment and use that sensation to float to the top of the heavens. Sheer bliss. Elation and ecstasy. I believed and with all my dismay I still believe (although those beliefs are slowly decaying with time, experience, disappointment).

At the very least I am experiencing something profound and genuine for the moment. Someone who makes me laugh.
Just for the moment. We only have moments. I am happy.

Too Little, Too Late

Time goes by quicker when staring at the constant hands of a clock on a wall. For me, time was momentarily halted or at least went by at a slower pace because my clocks never had hands. Devoid of the second hand. So I was devoid of the second hand and never realized that you had taken me for granted day after day, second after second. And one day I woke up to find a wrinkle. My first wrinkle just below my eye. I was mortified and angry. I knew that this wrinkle was because of all the stress and devotion that I had placed upon myself. Because as the seconds go by --so do our lives. I don't want to waste my days waiting for you. I don't want to squander away my youth thinking about what could be if I hold on just one more day. This is not living. This is managing. I want to live and be known. Why didn't you want to know me? I thought you did...

And you come to me with your mediocre words and expect them to suffice. It cannot be. I am better than that and you have given too little... and it's just too late.

All smiles :-)

I'm all smiles today and I wouldn't have it any other way. It was great to see that grin on your face as your world lit up at the sight of me. Your eyes so sincere and your embrace firm and steady. Those are some of the things that drew me to you. And instead of recalling all the splendour that our times have possessed, I'll just smile and say "Hey it was so great!"

:)

Supernova and I'm ok

A supernova passed me by and at first I was afraid.
I thought that it would cause me harm and bring to surface all the fray.
It lasted only a second but the aftermath was felt so long.
I knew that one touch would burn me; I was weak, it was strong.
I haven't fully recovered from its glory and its scent will forever linger on.
I wish that I could have captured it and felt its heat upon my brow.
I knew I couldn't handle it, not ever and certainly not now.
Overwhelmed by its beauty I had no choice but to sit and glare but how was I to know that I would melt from one moment of its stare?

I only dare....dare to catch a glimpse of it again in this lifetime.

Fabulous

With her red shoes on and oh so dangerous three zipper mini she momentarily owns the sidewalk. Shimmering, glittering and moving to her own beat. Everybody stares and some with disdain. They can't understand her style. Amazing how some adore while others scorn but that is the way of the world. But she knows herself well and never fakes it, which sets her apart from the others. Hair flowing high as the wind hits her hard and sends her skirt flying up towards the sky. With a roaring laughter and a nonchalance for all the chuckles made at her expense, she quickly holds her skirt down. And because she is lost in laughter she trips in her ghetto gold high heel that she bought just for a random sunny day and because it was something she would never naturally wear. Tripping in a crevice --she is not embarassed because this is who she is. She is a klutz, a walking disaster, sometimes kooky but always laughing at her flaws and walking it off. Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Midsummer's Night

It's a scent, a feeling, an emotion, a shiver down my spine. It is so powerful that even on a midwinter's night, I can feel it's warmth and presence. It keeps the harsh winds of January away from my soul and wraps me tightly in robes of silk. It is nostalgia as everpresent as the beating of my heart and it walks me through life day after day. We are one and we can change our pasts through the memory that we posses. A midsummer's night taught me that once as I reached for the stars, running through a corn field. Laughing, screaming and whirling like a dervish in sheer ecstasy. It was a midsummer's night that my memory has carved to perfection. Perhaps in that moment it wasn't as it seems to me now but it was real even if it was short lived. We were the night and we became alive in the darkness and unclarity. Those were the moments of obscurity in which our madness and uproar carried us to a place of nonchalance and stillness. It was all those things and yet none at all! We were but we weren't. We are but we never actually were. This is the way the mind forgets but also the way that it has the opportunity to remember.

Where's the cheese?

A friend of mine (who also happens to be a wonderful guy) has just recently proposed to the girl of his dreams. I am so happy for them. What's even odder than me being happy for a soon to be married couple is that I actually found joy in the cheesiness of the proposal. I'm not much of a girly girl but somehow the idea of someone loving another person THAT much is amazing to me.

So now I wonder if all the cheese in the world has been removed, used and now all the resources are dried up? Is there any more cheese left for the rest of us? If so, where's the cheese?! Show me the CHEESE!

I do think that there must be a distinction between too much cheese and too little. Too much of a good thing is always bad and can cause digestion problems. ;-) I personally don't like it when a man is so cheesy that he forgets who he is and decides to become a boring mass of submissiveness. I like people with opinions not people with only MY opinion. In matters of the heart, a man should be himself and stick to his ideals because it is sexy. He should be intelligent and ready to engage in stimulating conversations. But he should never be cold. There should be a tender side to him that lets you know that at any given moment in the day, he is thinking of you. He should plan romantic getaways or even random gifts with sentimental value. Men always think that women only want diamonds and expensive toys. The reality is that a woman will appreciate a single wildflower, a thoughtful note or a candlelight dinner. Even the most cynical woman (myself) appreciates the occasional thoughtful romantic act.

My dear engaged friend proposed to his beloved in a way that was special to the both of them. He put thought behind it and meant it. This is rare nowadays. We live in a cold and cynical age. Romance is either dead or entirely too Hollywood. Men have lost their creativity and they either stick to you like a tick or bounce right off you like a rubber ball.

Where's the balance?

Never here

One day you won't find me here. I'll be changed again and gone.
One day everything you thought you knew about me will be a dream and I will disappear.
One day when the day is ripe, I will no longer call for you.
The tone of my voice and the glint of my eye I will submit to be anywhere but here.
An alias I'll take and a trip later, I will be lost in a sea of stifling humanity.
One day I will realize that a day, a week and even a year will go by and you never knew that I was even here.

Sunday paper

I want to wake up in a king sized bed. I want to lay in the middle of it while in the arms of the man I love. I want to feel his heat and hear his gentle breath. I want to be lazy and wear my pajamas all day and watch movies while we make each other laugh. I want someone to stroke my hair and I want to stare into his eyes while he rests his head upon my lap. I want to share those blissful moments in seclusion where there are no other eyes to see. I want to share monologues and forbidden secrets while cloaked in candlelight. I want to hide away on a loft and listen to the rain. I want to whisper, but only his name. I want him to sense me even when he is not near and I want him to think of me when a familiar song comes on the radio.

Reading the Sunday paper, breakfast in bed.
Walking naked in the daylight and not accepting any calls.
I want to be delirious.
I want to be unrestrained.
I want to be.
I want to be.

But only sometimes... only sometimes...

"We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves"

Goethe (the astounding writer) stated it well and as some have pointed out in the past, love can make even the most intelligent go blind. Indeed, love can be deceiving. However, it is not in the character of love to be deceiving, it is in the character of the one who loves to deceive. When one looks upon their lover with love, they do not see inherent flaws. Furthermore, those flaws are often looked upon with compassion and with the eyes of a lover. In the Persian language, there is a saying:

"Chesmet ghashang mibineh"

This roughtly translates to, your eyes see beautifully. The correlation between this phrase and that of the lovers perspective is impeccable! There is a 100% match with regards to what I am trying to divulge here. The world may see the beloved with a critical eye and with no emotional attachment but the lover will only see the beloved with the altered perception that love creates. This is why love can be frightful and rather dangerous if not handled properly.

I must admit, as I wrote the last line before this one, I realized that there is a contradiction afoot! When one loves, they love entirely and without restraint. In fact, those who enter love with trepidation will never know TRUE love and all that it can behold. Therefore, my conclusion here is that it is absolutely amazing to love and be loved. It is one of the most powerful emotions that human beings possess. But one must know themselves well and know what it is that they want for their future before they fall. We can't always control when or with whom we will fall in love with but it is important not to forget who we are in the process. This is so that if we fall out of love we can pick up where we left off before the beloved came along.

AND....

My favorite sentences start with AND. As a writer and student who writes approximately 5-10 papers a month I know that it is not an appropriate word to begin sentences with. You know what though? This is the BLOG LAMA'S blog and I suppose I can be as incorrect and unconventional as I so desire. Hey, in the real world, we have to watch our backs and maintain conservative appearances. In this world, I am ME. :p

So here is a AND rant....

And you stood in the dead of winter among the decayed leaves.
And above your head the moon washed over you like an all encompassing heaven.
And all I could hear was the feverish pulsing in my head.
And you looked at me and shrugged with a crease on your brow.
And it was then that I understood that even running through the thickets, all bloodied and bruised, I would never find the path to you.

Silent Contempt

Slammed shut and a lifetime of contentment to be found. Silent contempt with screams of black and white. Nothing in color, certainly not now, but the rainbow is around the corner with luxurious gifts promised. There will no longer be pity or sorrow for there is no one there to hear it. The year will come and go as do all the rest but this time it will hold with it the knowledge of possibility. The possibility to love and to know what is in ones soul. But not just to know but to truly feel it and taste it. It is there.

While others bask in their own worries, we are awakened to the reality that we are alone in our sorrow and glory. In the end it is only me. And ..... that's not really that sad. :)

Sweet Jesus

"Mark, you've become more and more like Jesus Christ recently. All you need is to grow your hair out now and wear sandals..oh and don't forget the white sheet." -Me

"Honey, you don't like other people's good fortune." -Mark (directed at his wife)

"OHHHHH PLEEEEASSSEEEEE! Don't you pull that with me. I will get a piece of wood and hang you from it and put you there like Jesus." (His darling wife; who loves him DEARLY)

(Laughter ensues by the rather large family) ---large in number that is and not in mass! ;)

I love my family. We are vivacious, loud and well just like the family members in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".

Shabe Yalda

Happy Shabe Yalda to everyone! The longest night of the year! This night holds great religious and cultural significance to Iranians everywhere. On this night (once a year) families gather together and stay awake in order to recite stories, eat fruits, bundle up together under the korsee (a type of blanket) and play games. In the old days a fire was to be lit all through the night because Ancient Iranians believed that there was discontent between the good and bad angels. This battle would be lost to the good angels after successfully making it through the longest and darkest night of the year. So in essence it is and was a battle between light and dark you could say. :)

Ablaze

A rainbow sunset with blissful shades of gold.
Dusk and obscurity upon us.
We scramble in the dark, finding our way with arms outstretched.
But our path is unclear and cluttered with obstacles. The destination is painted in abstract with vibrant and sometimes deliberate strokes.

Envious reds shedding morning dew.
Passion and absurdity have awoken.
The light is blinding and still with it's vast abundance, we are blind.
We don't need light in order to see.

Narcissus bewildered

Under the shivering shell it was my soul that went numb.
The lucid crystal did not hold my future but it mesmerized me in a way that cannot be explained with words. Staggering under a rotating universe enmeshed and engrossed.

Two choices lay ahead my friend.
With meek and mortal eyes, I glanced at you. My glance, however painful, revealed an unchanged mask with hollow eyes. You beheld a smile both tragic and peaceful at the same time. I had been grasping at words spoken from those eyes for so long that without them it seemed that my world was momentarily meaningless.

But I found meaning in you even if you never wanted me to.

Bittersweet

And a week went by with a bittersweet taste.
Tumultuous serenity.
The mind never forgets but loses sight.

Rain storms in the summer are refreshing but cursed in the winter.

And so the week went by in vertigo. Vertigo and an aching for simpler times when we trumpeted happiness from the rooftops. There was no one to impress and we didn't care who was offended by our joy. Happiness found in late night pillow talk and dances in the rain. We were there.

I remember. There was momentum and speeds only imitated by large machines. But eventually the pendulum must stabilize and come to a halt. Our bodies and souls are not built for such intensity.
So moments of sheer bliss unhindered by the world were dissolved as is the cold when spring is so near.