Electricity

He aroused a painful love in me. We were utterly devoted. There was no threat of lies or any discomfort in submitting to absolute trust. His love caught me by sheer surprise. I remember that well before I outwardly expressed my love, I would scream it repeatedly inside my head at the sight of him. It started as a blissful romance. Adoration is a dangerous thing.

Candlelight was ours. He made me feel wild, ecstatic and crazy. I felt torn, confused and devastated every time he would leave my embrace and walk towards his terminal at the airport. Tears would burst from my eyes and roll uncontrollably off my face as though I was being left alone forever. This aching scorched my veins. The heat rolling, churning throughout my body looking for somewhere to be. It would take days for me to recover from the intensity of his heart beating along with mine.

Hiding in the loft from dusk until dawn. Hiding under thick blankets, shunning the sinful light of day that ripped us apart daily. The hours were precious, electricity, zoned out and away with a blink of an eye. That was our world and no one understood it. Reality was jolting. What is reality? The reality we created was one that words can never truly interpret. Young and unfettered. Explain what can and cannot be to me when I am with him and I will argue until I am unconscious from fatigue.

My Chaos

I'm tired of loving him. It is a pain, a yearning, a disgust, an addiction, a tear, a shock to the system, a profound sadness. It is anger. It is my fear because he was my chaos and now he is gone. I am conventional. The fire has died and I am the ravaged ember, barely solid. I had the sort of rapture that people dream about. It was in my full embrace and something so bittersweet was the cause of my demise. Nothing that good can last. Nothing. It's all hidden deep inside of me now. It shall never resurface again. My sweet surprise, my bitter demise.

Release me

The scariest part of night is when all are fast asleep and movement has halted. My mind likes to ponder over the most absurd thoughts. For one year I stayed awake as though a vampire scouring the streets. From the time the sun went down until the sun came up; I made sure to stay awake and keep myself busy with idle things. When things got really bad I would walk and walk until I could no longer walk. I would cry. I was angry. When a glimmer of sunlight would creep through my blinds I knew it was time to relax and sleep. What kind of life is that? Painting frantically, walking to the point of exhaustion and not knowing when it would hit. Running scared with the shadow always on my back.

Tonight I walked but there was peace. The slight breeze invigorated me and I forgot about my worries for a moment. I was not afraid. I want these other fears to release me and tonight I bid them a not so fond farewell. You are not needed here anymore. I am strong, I am fearless, I am confident, I am happy, I am healthy and I am calm, YES I am CALM!

Grip

Here it comes. The tight grip on my chest. I can't breathe. Everything is hollow. I am scared. So scared. I feel as though I will die but I don't even know why. There is no logic to this madness. I pull at my hair and I look around frantically. Looking for a retreat or some comfort...but there is none. It feels as though someone is stepping on my chest and that they are enjoying every cracking sound of my ribs. Sadistic. I am the sick one because there is nobody there. It is all in my mind and when I am running around screaming in my apartment, I don't recognize any of this. Nothing makes sense in my head, I am drowning. There is no helping hand so I have to learn to swim.

Hollow

All those faces with their hollow stares. They have no business being there. They are no better than you or me but that is something that they simply don't see. I wish I could fly away from this place, release myself of these abrasive chains. This little hope that I clinge to is battered and bruised. Everytime I want to see you, help you, be you, all I feel is used. I am not myself and I can never be because these people are fake and bitter. They will swallow me whole, I have no defense. How do I stop caring about all of this? I don't want to hear it anymore, I drown it out. Drowning you won't kill you will it? Your noise follows me in my dreams and in my meditations. I am finished with you.

Hypocrisy

Everyone wears a mask. Masks are just like clothing and are distinguished based on the occasion that one is preparing for. It's so much easier to hide behind a mask rather than face the truth about yourself; you are naked and alone. Life's problems deflect off of your mask. Now, let's discuss a few masks that I have seen floating around.

1) The virgin mask. You like to trump your purity to the world and you will defend it to the end. You always smile and giggle. You want everyone to know that you are little miss perfect. Nothing scathes you and nothing can disturb your perfect calm. However, you are jaded and you are bitter. There is a part of you that is vindictive and you attribute it to wanting to be the best. The truth is that you are vicious and love flaunting yourself to your peers so as to lift your shattered self esteem and to make others around you uncomfortable with themselves. Shame!

2) The ruthless bitch mask. You are more obvious about your intentions. You love competition and you thrive on being better than others. You loathe anyone who comes close to your level of success and will do whatever you can to bad mouth them. The technique most often utilized is that of ruthlessly pitting people against one another. You do the dirty work in private but let others take the blame. You would be great in politics because all you care about is yourself and will stomp anyone who gets in your way.

3) The Don Juan mask. You think you are the hottest person alive. You hit on others in a sly manner, which consists of put downs and praise. You are a walking oxymoron. You don't even know who you are but you are willing to be whoever you have to be in order to "get some". But even when you do, you are only temporarily satisfied. You want everyone to look at you as a slick person with good fashion and looks. The goal is to create a facade because you are unable to figure out what you want to get out of your life that is based on the expressions and views others have of you. The hard part for you is letting go of the idea that you are not gorgeous or hot and that you indeed have no personality. Get over it!

Goody Goody's

I'm tired of smiling and acting as though the worthless and boring comments by certain individuals are worth my time. I am a person that ponders deeper things while these people are worried about being five seconds late to class. It reaches a point of absurdity when the main topic of conversation is the fear of appearing less virginal if one chooses to kiss "a boy" or hold hands. Aren't we all in our twenties now? We are no longer giggling teenagers.

Further, why act all holier than thou anyway? Who are you trying to satisfy? Clearly you are lacking in character or in substance and that is why you must fill your head with worry of what these other idiots think of you. Ridiculous! Get over it.

Finally, I have never been an advocate for organized religion. I don't have a problem with it as I do pick and choose important practices from different texts and traditions. Practice it if you wish but keep your mind open. It's worthless when you start comparing your God to my God to his God. It's a form of supremacy. Human beings are extremely flawed and we always want to try to put ourselves up on some sort of pedestal. Why can't we admit that all of these religions are created to ease our pain in this life and to ensure our morality? You are no better because you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, etc.

Shift

The world has shifted again and it came at a critical time. My world was lifted and altered without a hint of the surprise. It's magnificent how much pain we suffer only to be alleviated by sheer bliss. It is all exposed when we least expect it and certainly welcomed with no delay. It took a long time for me to recognize my errors and the errors of those around me. But we grow and the mysteries that had eluded us in the past lose their elusive nature. And when we hear the words that we neglected to know that we needed to hear.... we at once breathe a sigh of relief. It was impossible to know that the anxiety would be released and all the muscles in our weary bodies would finally relax. It was as though the tensions and frustrations had been weighing for so long that they became a party of everyday life.

I was built for something more

Ever since I was 15 years old and I learned to analyze things for myself; I have felt that something has been missing from my existence. Now, nearly a decade later and I am still a confused child. It is true that I have grown and changed in my views, clothes and lifestyle but how is it that this one feeling has never flown away? Could it be that I am not as original as I think I am? Could it be that everyone has this feeling once in a while (or perhaps their entire lives) but it is pushed aside because of the troubles of life? Some would say that i am tired, experiencing seasonal depression, whining, moody or just plain bored. Maybe they are all right.

I want it all. I want to be alone but not alone. I want to be successful and yet lay around doing absurd things. I want to be romanced but I don't want to be suffocated. I want to be free and yet feel secure. I want a companion and sometimes I just don't. I want to cry happy tears on my own without having to explain them. I want to cry sad tears without having to explain them. I want to make a name for myself and yet I want to seize the day. I want to give my family everything and yet I want to be selfish.

So what does this leave me with? Who am I...what do I want...

Your love is capricious

On a whim and on fire. There is no rhyme or reason. It's explosive and in full force but it can come and go. A hazard so powerful and so captivating but can burn you if not handled with care. I will stare deep into this fire for as long as I can but will retreat just before my delicate frame loses it's ability to fight back.

Forward

I don't want to forget the moments that happened under the umbrella of love. They were precious in their own way and I appreciated them at the time. Those moments have changed now and I am left with random attacks of thought, overwhelming my mind. They are brief but they are haunting.

I want these new moments, these resplendent seconds in time to enshroud me.

Starting to start over

I think that I have met my match...

Live again

There are no absolutes and no forevers. These are the thoughts and ideals of romantics before us and the Hollywood director in front of us. We can actualize these things for a mere moment and use that sensation to float to the top of the heavens. Sheer bliss. Elation and ecstasy. I believed and with all my dismay I still believe (although those beliefs are slowly decaying with time, experience, disappointment).

At the very least I am experiencing something profound and genuine for the moment. Someone who makes me laugh.
Just for the moment. We only have moments. I am happy.

Too Little, Too Late

Time goes by quicker when staring at the constant hands of a clock on a wall. For me, time was momentarily halted or at least went by at a slower pace because my clocks never had hands. Devoid of the second hand. So I was devoid of the second hand and never realized that you had taken me for granted day after day, second after second. And one day I woke up to find a wrinkle. My first wrinkle just below my eye. I was mortified and angry. I knew that this wrinkle was because of all the stress and devotion that I had placed upon myself. Because as the seconds go by --so do our lives. I don't want to waste my days waiting for you. I don't want to squander away my youth thinking about what could be if I hold on just one more day. This is not living. This is managing. I want to live and be known. Why didn't you want to know me? I thought you did...

And you come to me with your mediocre words and expect them to suffice. It cannot be. I am better than that and you have given too little... and it's just too late.

All smiles :-)

I'm all smiles today and I wouldn't have it any other way. It was great to see that grin on your face as your world lit up at the sight of me. Your eyes so sincere and your embrace firm and steady. Those are some of the things that drew me to you. And instead of recalling all the splendour that our times have possessed, I'll just smile and say "Hey it was so great!"

:)

Supernova and I'm ok

A supernova passed me by and at first I was afraid.
I thought that it would cause me harm and bring to surface all the fray.
It lasted only a second but the aftermath was felt so long.
I knew that one touch would burn me; I was weak, it was strong.
I haven't fully recovered from its glory and its scent will forever linger on.
I wish that I could have captured it and felt its heat upon my brow.
I knew I couldn't handle it, not ever and certainly not now.
Overwhelmed by its beauty I had no choice but to sit and glare but how was I to know that I would melt from one moment of its stare?

I only dare....dare to catch a glimpse of it again in this lifetime.

Fabulous

With her red shoes on and oh so dangerous three zipper mini she momentarily owns the sidewalk. Shimmering, glittering and moving to her own beat. Everybody stares and some with disdain. They can't understand her style. Amazing how some adore while others scorn but that is the way of the world. But she knows herself well and never fakes it, which sets her apart from the others. Hair flowing high as the wind hits her hard and sends her skirt flying up towards the sky. With a roaring laughter and a nonchalance for all the chuckles made at her expense, she quickly holds her skirt down. And because she is lost in laughter she trips in her ghetto gold high heel that she bought just for a random sunny day and because it was something she would never naturally wear. Tripping in a crevice --she is not embarassed because this is who she is. She is a klutz, a walking disaster, sometimes kooky but always laughing at her flaws and walking it off. Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Midsummer's Night

It's a scent, a feeling, an emotion, a shiver down my spine. It is so powerful that even on a midwinter's night, I can feel it's warmth and presence. It keeps the harsh winds of January away from my soul and wraps me tightly in robes of silk. It is nostalgia as everpresent as the beating of my heart and it walks me through life day after day. We are one and we can change our pasts through the memory that we posses. A midsummer's night taught me that once as I reached for the stars, running through a corn field. Laughing, screaming and whirling like a dervish in sheer ecstasy. It was a midsummer's night that my memory has carved to perfection. Perhaps in that moment it wasn't as it seems to me now but it was real even if it was short lived. We were the night and we became alive in the darkness and unclarity. Those were the moments of obscurity in which our madness and uproar carried us to a place of nonchalance and stillness. It was all those things and yet none at all! We were but we weren't. We are but we never actually were. This is the way the mind forgets but also the way that it has the opportunity to remember.

Where's the cheese?

A friend of mine (who also happens to be a wonderful guy) has just recently proposed to the girl of his dreams. I am so happy for them. What's even odder than me being happy for a soon to be married couple is that I actually found joy in the cheesiness of the proposal. I'm not much of a girly girl but somehow the idea of someone loving another person THAT much is amazing to me.

So now I wonder if all the cheese in the world has been removed, used and now all the resources are dried up? Is there any more cheese left for the rest of us? If so, where's the cheese?! Show me the CHEESE!

I do think that there must be a distinction between too much cheese and too little. Too much of a good thing is always bad and can cause digestion problems. ;-) I personally don't like it when a man is so cheesy that he forgets who he is and decides to become a boring mass of submissiveness. I like people with opinions not people with only MY opinion. In matters of the heart, a man should be himself and stick to his ideals because it is sexy. He should be intelligent and ready to engage in stimulating conversations. But he should never be cold. There should be a tender side to him that lets you know that at any given moment in the day, he is thinking of you. He should plan romantic getaways or even random gifts with sentimental value. Men always think that women only want diamonds and expensive toys. The reality is that a woman will appreciate a single wildflower, a thoughtful note or a candlelight dinner. Even the most cynical woman (myself) appreciates the occasional thoughtful romantic act.

My dear engaged friend proposed to his beloved in a way that was special to the both of them. He put thought behind it and meant it. This is rare nowadays. We live in a cold and cynical age. Romance is either dead or entirely too Hollywood. Men have lost their creativity and they either stick to you like a tick or bounce right off you like a rubber ball.

Where's the balance?

Never here

One day you won't find me here. I'll be changed again and gone.
One day everything you thought you knew about me will be a dream and I will disappear.
One day when the day is ripe, I will no longer call for you.
The tone of my voice and the glint of my eye I will submit to be anywhere but here.
An alias I'll take and a trip later, I will be lost in a sea of stifling humanity.
One day I will realize that a day, a week and even a year will go by and you never knew that I was even here.