Electricity

He aroused a painful love in me. We were utterly devoted. There was no threat of lies or any discomfort in submitting to absolute trust. His love caught me by sheer surprise. I remember that well before I outwardly expressed my love, I would scream it repeatedly inside my head at the sight of him. It started as a blissful romance. Adoration is a dangerous thing.

Candlelight was ours. He made me feel wild, ecstatic and crazy. I felt torn, confused and devastated every time he would leave my embrace and walk towards his terminal at the airport. Tears would burst from my eyes and roll uncontrollably off my face as though I was being left alone forever. This aching scorched my veins. The heat rolling, churning throughout my body looking for somewhere to be. It would take days for me to recover from the intensity of his heart beating along with mine.

Hiding in the loft from dusk until dawn. Hiding under thick blankets, shunning the sinful light of day that ripped us apart daily. The hours were precious, electricity, zoned out and away with a blink of an eye. That was our world and no one understood it. Reality was jolting. What is reality? The reality we created was one that words can never truly interpret. Young and unfettered. Explain what can and cannot be to me when I am with him and I will argue until I am unconscious from fatigue.

My Chaos

I'm tired of loving him. It is a pain, a yearning, a disgust, an addiction, a tear, a shock to the system, a profound sadness. It is anger. It is my fear because he was my chaos and now he is gone. I am conventional. The fire has died and I am the ravaged ember, barely solid. I had the sort of rapture that people dream about. It was in my full embrace and something so bittersweet was the cause of my demise. Nothing that good can last. Nothing. It's all hidden deep inside of me now. It shall never resurface again. My sweet surprise, my bitter demise.

Release me

The scariest part of night is when all are fast asleep and movement has halted. My mind likes to ponder over the most absurd thoughts. For one year I stayed awake as though a vampire scouring the streets. From the time the sun went down until the sun came up; I made sure to stay awake and keep myself busy with idle things. When things got really bad I would walk and walk until I could no longer walk. I would cry. I was angry. When a glimmer of sunlight would creep through my blinds I knew it was time to relax and sleep. What kind of life is that? Painting frantically, walking to the point of exhaustion and not knowing when it would hit. Running scared with the shadow always on my back.

Tonight I walked but there was peace. The slight breeze invigorated me and I forgot about my worries for a moment. I was not afraid. I want these other fears to release me and tonight I bid them a not so fond farewell. You are not needed here anymore. I am strong, I am fearless, I am confident, I am happy, I am healthy and I am calm, YES I am CALM!

Grip

Here it comes. The tight grip on my chest. I can't breathe. Everything is hollow. I am scared. So scared. I feel as though I will die but I don't even know why. There is no logic to this madness. I pull at my hair and I look around frantically. Looking for a retreat or some comfort...but there is none. It feels as though someone is stepping on my chest and that they are enjoying every cracking sound of my ribs. Sadistic. I am the sick one because there is nobody there. It is all in my mind and when I am running around screaming in my apartment, I don't recognize any of this. Nothing makes sense in my head, I am drowning. There is no helping hand so I have to learn to swim.

Hollow

All those faces with their hollow stares. They have no business being there. They are no better than you or me but that is something that they simply don't see. I wish I could fly away from this place, release myself of these abrasive chains. This little hope that I clinge to is battered and bruised. Everytime I want to see you, help you, be you, all I feel is used. I am not myself and I can never be because these people are fake and bitter. They will swallow me whole, I have no defense. How do I stop caring about all of this? I don't want to hear it anymore, I drown it out. Drowning you won't kill you will it? Your noise follows me in my dreams and in my meditations. I am finished with you.

Hypocrisy

Everyone wears a mask. Masks are just like clothing and are distinguished based on the occasion that one is preparing for. It's so much easier to hide behind a mask rather than face the truth about yourself; you are naked and alone. Life's problems deflect off of your mask. Now, let's discuss a few masks that I have seen floating around.

1) The virgin mask. You like to trump your purity to the world and you will defend it to the end. You always smile and giggle. You want everyone to know that you are little miss perfect. Nothing scathes you and nothing can disturb your perfect calm. However, you are jaded and you are bitter. There is a part of you that is vindictive and you attribute it to wanting to be the best. The truth is that you are vicious and love flaunting yourself to your peers so as to lift your shattered self esteem and to make others around you uncomfortable with themselves. Shame!

2) The ruthless bitch mask. You are more obvious about your intentions. You love competition and you thrive on being better than others. You loathe anyone who comes close to your level of success and will do whatever you can to bad mouth them. The technique most often utilized is that of ruthlessly pitting people against one another. You do the dirty work in private but let others take the blame. You would be great in politics because all you care about is yourself and will stomp anyone who gets in your way.

3) The Don Juan mask. You think you are the hottest person alive. You hit on others in a sly manner, which consists of put downs and praise. You are a walking oxymoron. You don't even know who you are but you are willing to be whoever you have to be in order to "get some". But even when you do, you are only temporarily satisfied. You want everyone to look at you as a slick person with good fashion and looks. The goal is to create a facade because you are unable to figure out what you want to get out of your life that is based on the expressions and views others have of you. The hard part for you is letting go of the idea that you are not gorgeous or hot and that you indeed have no personality. Get over it!

Goody Goody's

I'm tired of smiling and acting as though the worthless and boring comments by certain individuals are worth my time. I am a person that ponders deeper things while these people are worried about being five seconds late to class. It reaches a point of absurdity when the main topic of conversation is the fear of appearing less virginal if one chooses to kiss "a boy" or hold hands. Aren't we all in our twenties now? We are no longer giggling teenagers.

Further, why act all holier than thou anyway? Who are you trying to satisfy? Clearly you are lacking in character or in substance and that is why you must fill your head with worry of what these other idiots think of you. Ridiculous! Get over it.

Finally, I have never been an advocate for organized religion. I don't have a problem with it as I do pick and choose important practices from different texts and traditions. Practice it if you wish but keep your mind open. It's worthless when you start comparing your God to my God to his God. It's a form of supremacy. Human beings are extremely flawed and we always want to try to put ourselves up on some sort of pedestal. Why can't we admit that all of these religions are created to ease our pain in this life and to ensure our morality? You are no better because you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, etc.